What Is Sex?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Between completing my PhD and engaging in endless hours of audiobook listening on my long commutes, I have a penchant for doing this. A question that continually comes up for myself and many others in my life is this: What is sex?

I received some pretty poor sex ed when I was in primary school. From what I remember, it consisted of my 5th-grade teacher having all us students yell “penis” on the playground, watching a film where a mother made her daughter ovary shaped pancakes, and receiving a care package of deodorant and menstrual hygiene supplies. I remember being taught about conception, and perhaps there was a condom on a banana in the older years. My lapse in memory aside, I’m confident that nothing about my sex education contained any information about pleasure, intimacy, or connection. As a queer person, there was most certainly no conversation about the types of sex I might be having. In my adulthood, I’ve pieced my own sex education together through books, peer conversations, and ultimately seeking sex-specific higher education (Thanks AASECT and CIIS!) but I still don’t have a clear answer on “What is sex!?”

Here is what I’m confident sex is not, however.

Sex is not one-sided: Unless you’re masturbating, which by the way is a totally valid form of sex. Sex is about the pleasure, connection, and enjoyment of all people involved. Sex is a dance, an exchange of desire, an ebb and flow of touch, taste, sound, sensation that is witnessed and experienced in mutual complexity. Sex is consensual! Sex is not about the experience, orgasm, or enjoyment of just one person, even (and especially, do you hear) in power exchange dynamics where one person is decidedly in control. 

Sex is not simple: Sex is more like the composition of a symphony than the simplified one act exchange we are taught in reproductive focused sex ed. Sex also isn’t easy. For many people, sex can be painful (physically or emotionally). Sex can be deeply emotional or purely sensory. Sex does not become so once a certain act is achieved. Most educational avenues define “sex” as penis and vagina intercourse, which leaves some of us with no bar to measure when sex has happened at all and others of us forced to define something as sex which may not have met any of our desires. 

Sex is not orgasm focused: Have you ever faked an orgasm? Or had a lover ask “did you cum” after an otherwise connective and enjoyable sexual experience? Sex is not about the 15-30 second series of contractions and release we’ve come to know as orgasm. Did you know some people can’t physiologically orgasm, and other’s don’t even find the experience of orgasm pleasurable? Don’t tell me those people can’t have sex. In fact, sex doesn’t even have to be genital focused. Some of the most sensual, sexual, erotic experiences can happen without the removal of any clothing at all. We can take a cue from the BDSM and kink community on this one. Orgasms can be a deep, connective, highly enjoyable experience but they shan’t be the defining moment, nor the end goal, of sex. 

Sex is not limited by time or space: We are taught a lot of interesting things about sex throughout our life. When I was in middle school, a friend told me sex only “counted” if it happened when it was dark out. Ludicrious right? But this message shaped much of my early years as a sexually expressive human and lead to a lot of confusion and misinformation. Sex doesn’t exist within a certain time of day, have to last a certain number of minutes or have to happen in a certain room of the house. 

Sex is not a script: There is no order of operations when it comes to erotic connection. Sex is more like a game of twister than a step by step manual. What works for some people will be a total bust for others, and so on. There can be so much joy in exploring what sex can mean uniquely to you, and then reformating it with a new partner, or exploring new avenues with an old partner. Sex is one of our most primal instincts, and the possibilities are quite literally endless on how we can connect once we trash the script and let our metaphorical hair down. 

Sex is not serious: Laugh a little. Sex is playful and joyous. It is a privilege we’ve grown into as we’ve aged and gained the physical and emotional maturity necessary to be sexual responsibility, but thats all a glorious snooze fest if we aren’t given the opportunity to get a little goofy. Laugh when someone squirts lube in their eye. Wrestle like you’re woodland foxes. Seduce your partner in a bad accent. And here’s a quick secret right from the sex therapist’s keyboard- when we allow ourselves to let loose and be playful, pleasure (and even orgasm) is heightened and more easy to come by. Go on a date to the costume shop, I dare you.

So, what is sex? I bet you were hoping I’d deliver you a well-packaged definition that you could go tweet at all your friends, didn’t you. The dirty truth is, sex is what we make it. I venture sex can be everything from an exquisite dining experience to a late night talk to a romp through the forest. Sex is so much more than what we are delivered in health class, or dare I say it even porn.

What avenues have you found to liberate your sexuality and find more free and organic expressions of your wild sexy self? If you’re struggling to connect to yourself or a partner in a way that feels intimate and meaningful I challenge you, rethink what you’ve been taught to define as sex and start to toy around outside the box a bit. You may be surprised by what you unearth.

So, What is sex? You tell me.